NEWS-LEDGER – OCT 26, 2011
Stuff every man ought to know about women
A while back I ran across a very thoughtful and informative article penned by a lady named Lisa Jones entitled, “45 Things She Wishes He Knew; universal truths that all men should, but don’t, understand.”
Among the 45 things Ms. Jones believes men should understand about women, and don’t, were the following, which I have taken the liberty to paraphrase:
#1: Saying `I love you’ immediately before, during, or following sex doesn’t count.
#7: “Fine” is never the appropriate response when a woman asks a man how she looks.
#9: Women are terrified of becoming their mother.
#15: Although a woman may say that everything is cool after a man has done something bad, she doesn’t really mean it.
#18: When a woman compares her less than flat stomach to a kangaroo pouch, a man should never agree, but rather just say nothing.
#24: Women are very impressed when men ask for advice.
#27: Women think men are very sexy when they’re shaving, fixing things, wearing a white t-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, and holding a baby.
#29: Surprise gifts that don’t have anything to do with birthdays or holidays win men lots of extra points.
#44: When it comes to relationships, women remember everything!
1. Although a man can go with his wife to purchase new furniture for their home (he should even pay for the furniture and come up with a truck to transport everything), under absolutely no circumstance should he ever offer any opinion or advice whatsoever about where the new furniture (the same rule applies to paintings and photographs) should actually be placed in the house. And doing so can lead to some of the biggest fights in your marriage!
2. Before offering to marry a woman, a man should get her as angry as humanly possible (there’s all kinds of effective ways to do this, but recalling how hopelessly in love you once were with another woman usually seems to do the trick) so you can closely observe her reaction. This way a man will know if he is going to go through life receiving the silent treatment when he screws up, or if his wife-to-be is prone to throwing things and producing unhealthy decibel levels when she is screaming.
3. Before walking down the aisle, men should try very hard to ascertain with some certainty if there will ever be any place whatsoever in the house that could possibly be considered “his turf”, accepting of course the fact that the office, kitchen, library, all the closets, bedrooms and bathrooms will basically belong to his spouse and the children.
4. Over the centuries, through no real fault of men, women have somehow got stuck with all the fun stuff, like grocery shopping and cooking the meals, both of which apparently get to be pretty much a pain in the butt as the years wear on. So, a man should never ask a woman, “Hey, what’s for dinner tonight, Honey?” unless he is prepared to have shouted at him, “Food!”
5. Under no circumstances should a man ever try to discourage a woman from going shopping for clothes, especially if she is planning on doing so with a group of her friends. Women have apparently undergone years and years of very intensive and complicated training in this area and have it down to a fine art by the time they get married. So, the only words a man should ever utter to a woman before she leaves on a shopping spree are, “Have fun, Dear,” and the only words that should come out of his mouth when she returns home are, “Now doesn’t that (dress, shoes, purse, jewelry, outfit, or whatever the case may be) look lovely!”
6. And finally (only because I’m running out of room), one of the most important things men should know about women (and never really do before it’s much too late) is that the vast majority of them have this almost pathological need to be (and stay) moist, and that the task of trying to keep their lips, face, hands, arms, legs and feet in that condition goes on almost continuously throughout the course of the day and night. And to that end, hundreds of yucky products (each with its own uniquely offensive odor) are always being purchased, with the major application process usually beginning just before bedtime, creating the reality that a woman never really feels moist enough until a man’s lips will slide right off hers, and she can effortlessly squirm out of his grip.
Daryl Fisher’s column appears weekly in the News-Ledger. To see it regularly, make sure to subscribe to the News-Ledger. It’s only $20 per year, delivered to your mailbox in West Sacramento. And you can try it for two months, free, if you like — just email your name and West Sac address to firstname.lastname@example.org (this offer is open to new subscribers in West Sacramento’s ZIP codes, 95691 & 95605).
Copyright News-Ledger 2011