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When a bikini wax goes bad —
FROM THE NEWS-LEDGER — FEB 20, 2013 —
BY DARYL FISHER
NEWS-LEDGER COLUMNIST —
I, of course, have lots of friends (and non-friends for that matter) who think they could easily write this weekly column a whole lot better than I do, and one of the former had me laughing out loud the other day about something she said she had read on Facebook. She was absolutely convinced it would make for a fabulous column, and our conversation went a little something like this:
“It really would make a wonderful column,” she assured me. “Do you want me to forward it to you so you can see for yourself?”
“That’s alright,” I said, my computer already overflowing with stuff other people have sent me that they think is a lot funnier than I do. “But why don’t you go ahead and tell me about it.”
“Okay,” said my friend, already smiling. “This recently-divorced lady with young kids decided it was about time for her to stop moping around the house and start doing some dating. So she joined one of those social networking sites and soon had a date all lined up for a Friday night. So she gets off of work a little early, comes home, fixes dinner, plays with the kids, makes sure the babysitter is going to be there on time, and then goes into the bathroom to take a shower and get ready for her big going-out-to-the-movies date.”
“What’s funny about that?” I asked.
“Well, while taking her shower she quickly realizes that she has kind of let her body get out-of-hand, so to speak.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, parts of her body had become completely over-run with unwanted hair.”
“Oh, I see,” I said, returning her smile.
“So, she goes into her medicine cabinet and pulls out this waxing kit that she had purchased ages ago when she was still married. It’s one of those cold wax kits, you know, the kind that you just rub the strips together in your hands until you get them warmed up. Then you pull the strips apart, apply them to your legs or wherever, and the hair is supposed to come right off. It’s also supposed to be really easy to do, even if you’re not very courageous at such things. But she gets the bright idea of using her hairdryer to heat up the strips, which is when things start going downhill. Anyway, although what she really wants to do is wax her bikini line, she wisely decides to try one of the much too hot strips on her leg first. Although the added heat and pulling off the strip turned out to be pretty painful, she decided to suck it up and move on up north.”
[adrotate group=”7″] “But why would she need to wax her bikini line if she was just going on a first date to the movies?” I asked naively.
“Trust me, women just feel better about themselves if they’re prepared for every possibility and not all covered in unwanted hair.”
“Anyway, she checked on the kids, made sure she had plenty of time left before the babysitter and her date were scheduled to arrive, and then hurried back into the bathroom. She took off her robe, placed one foot up on the toilet, and then bravely applied a wax strip across the right-hand side of her bikini line, covering the whole right-half of her hoo-ha. Then she inhaled deeply, held her breath, and ripped it off.”
“Then what happened?” I asked with interest.
“She went blind.”
“Blind with pain! She didn’t scream, though, not wanting to frighten her children. But once her vision returned, she realized she had only pulled off half the strip, so she had to woman-up again and rip the other half off. Thinking she might pass out, but knowing that she was only half-done with getting her bikini line just the way she wanted it, she reluctantly decided to apply another strip to cover the left side of her bikini line. But in the process her foot accidentally slipped off the toilet and she ended up with the new wax strip covering up most of her butt and nether regions. Then….”
“Wait a minute!” I interrupted my friend, obviously eager to finish her tale, “I can’t possibly make a column out of what you’ve been telling me!”
“Because the News-Ledger is a family newspaper and I can’t be talking about bikini lines and hoo-has and a woman’s nether regions! Our crack editor would quickly spot how inappropriate that is and I will be in big trouble.”
“But I thought you told me he never reads your stuff anymore.”
“Well, he doesn’t, but I’m sure the headline to any story like that would quickly catch his attention.”
“But if you just let me tell you the end of this story I’m sure you can make it into one of the funniest columns you have ever written! Believe it or else, she ends up taking a hot bath trying to get that wax strip off only to have her butt cemented to the bottom of her porcelain tub. Thankfully her cell phone was nearby and she was able to call a friend who told her there should be some lotion in the wax kit box for just such emergencies.”
“You mean stuff like that happens to women all the time?”
“Oh, Daryl, if you only knew what we women have to do to try and please our men!”
“Well,” I said, “it is a cute story, although I’m surprised that anyone would want to put it up on their Facebook page, and I do appreciate you taking the time to tell it to me.”
“But like I said,” I added, “I’m afraid it’s just not something I can put in my column. I do have my standards, you know!”
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Copyright News-Ledger 2013
RCHS tennis off to winning start
NEWS-LEDGER — March 6, 2013 —
From River City
The River City High School Tennis Team defeated both Amador and Bear River 7 to 2 and then opened Sierra Valley Conference (SVC) action with a 9-0 shutout of Union Mine to start the 2013 season a perfect 3 and 0.
At Amador, Lily He and Edward Xu won their #2 singles matches and the visitors swept all five doubles contests. In the girls’ pairs, Sarah Yang and Sonia Bola took the top spot 8-2 while Nicole Melido teamed with Julia Quenga for an 8-0 win at #2. On the boys side, Matthew Tagupa and Akshay Prabhakar earned an 8-3 victory at #1 and Ben Gerelkhuu and Muradan Chhay overcame a slow start to win 8-5. Lina Vang and Amran Khan cruised to an 8-0 shutout in mixed doubles.
[adrotate group=”7″] Up in Lake of the Pines against Bear River, Cindy Oseguera led the way with a 10-2 win in the top girls singles position and Lily He won 10-4 at #2. Gerelkhuu provided a 10-4 victory at #2 boys. Tagupa teamed up with Bola to take mixed doubles 10-2 and Sarah Yang partnered with Lina Vang to dominate #1 girls doubles 10-1. In boys doubles, Xu and Prabhakar won 10-3 while Khan and Phillip Dinh cruised 10-1.
The season’s home opener was also the first SVC match of the young season and the host Raiders came out well-prepared. Michael Lee took care of the top boys singles match 6-4,6-3 and Xu won at #2 6-1,7-5. These were the two closest matches of the day as He won 6-2,6-2 at #1 girls singles and Bola rolled 6-0,6-1 at #2. In doubles, RC lost total of just seven games in ten sets. Khan and Tagupa won 6-1,6-1 at #1 boys and Dinh and Prabhkar scored a perfect 6-0,6-0 “double bagel” at #2. On the girls side, Oseguera and Sarah Yang (#1) and Melido and Lina Vang (#2) each posted 6-2,6-0 wins. Chhay and Ger Yang breezed through mixed 6-1,6-0.
Next up for RC will be nonleague matches tomorrow (March 7th) at Lincoln, Friday the 8th at home against Bret Harte, Monday the 11th at home vs. Delhi, and then back to SVC play in a home match against Galt on Tuesday the 12th. Matches begin at 4:00 p.m.
Copyright News-Ledger 2013
Free concert in West Sac
[adrotate group=”7″] FROM THE NEWS-LEDGER —
The West Sacramento Community Orchestra invites you to a free concert at 3 p.m. on Sunday, March 10, at the civic center galleria, 1110 West Capitol Avenue. There will be various classical selections plus music from Sweet Charity and a Beatles medley. The orchestra will also offer a free concert at 7:30 p.m. on March 12 at Centennial United Methodist Church, 5401 Freeport Blvd. in Sacramento. For information on joining the orchestra, call 991-5262. The group has openings for strings, horn, harp and percussion.
Copyright News-Ledger 2013
Kirby-Gonzalez wins board seat
NEWS-LEDGER ONLINE — FEB 5, 2013
West Sacramento voters today used an all-mail election to fill the last year and a half of a vacant four-year seat on the local school board.
The Yolo County Elections Office has released the preliminary results of that vote, and the apparent winner is Sarah Kirby-Gonzalez, a teacher in the Folsom-Cordova school district. The early count credits her with 2,573 votes, or 50.7 percent of the vote.
She is followed by Francisco Castillo, an official with the StudentsFirst reform organization, who has 1,315 votes (25.9%). The pair campaigned heavily and with tens of thousands of dollars in campaign donations. Kirby-Gonzalez drew support form teachers’ unions, and Castillo from StudentsFirst and charter school advocates.
Finishing up the field:
Linh Nguyen, 738 votes (14.5%)
Katherine Gales, 252 votes (5.0%)
and Nicholas Turney, 200 votes (3.9%)
Kirby-Gonzales will fill the last year and a half of the four-year school board term vacated by Sandra Vargas on the Washington Unified School District board of trustees.
More in the next edition of the News-Ledger.
UPDATE, MARCH 6, 2013: The Yolo County Elections Department has updated the results and made them “final and official.” Sarah Kirby Gonzalez was credited with a victory over second-place Francisco Castillo by 51.2% to 26.1%.
Voter turnout in West Sacramento was 5,520 out of 23,141 registered voters, or 23.9%.
For the full vote tally, visit the Yolo County Elections Department page here.
Copyright News-Ledger 2013